ups and downs

I'm all over the place. Honestly I don't even know how to compose this blog post.   Such a big week, so many emotions, so many words, too many ups and downs. Sigh.

Early in the week we had days and nights of the most ferocious winds that tore through poly tunnels, broke beautiful established plum trees in half, ripped apart tomato plants and made such a mess of so many eucalyptus trees. That wind kept us up over nights, rattled us to the bones and reminded us of how teeny and insignificant we are in the scheme of things. It also made me question a lot of what we do here and why. It made me teary and oh so weary.

On two mornings this week I broke my I am not a morning person rule, and got up with the sun to run around the block. There is something so moving and uplifting and thrilling about running through the cool summer morning's air, watching the light sparkle on its way through the forest trees, over the paddocks and in the cottage windows. I have never, ever liked to get up earlier than I have had to, but running 5,000 steps alone, in complete silence before coming back to face the chaos of the pre-school rush, might actually change me. It is good for me. There is hope.

Then there are the back to school resolutions from my last post that I have managed to smash through already. I haven't been going to bed earlier, I haven't been all that organised, I haven't really got a grand plan yet and I have not at all risen above the school yard bitchiness. Not even close.

But I have had a bit of extra time. When I got the crazy, mad urge to try to knit a feather (top pic), I did.  I also made some yummy treats for lunchboxes and delicious dinners. I thought I might sew a skirt, but once I had gathered the fabric, tracing paper, scissors and tape measure, I felt overwhelmed and put it all back again. But I did find a new belt on a quick dash into an op shop yesterday. I haven't been into an oppy for months. It was fun. And I had a few long overdue coffees with friends. Uninterrupted conversation is such a gift.

And then I had this moment this week at a meeting with one of my girl's teachers, where I looked over at my three sitting around me listening quietly and I felt like I could burst with pride. Explode right there in the classroom. Such great love. Such good girls.

I knew all along all week that I needed to write a blog. That I would feel better once it was out. But I didn't. I don't know why I didn't, but I didn't. My laptop stayed closed and I found a zillion other things to do instead. I didn't read any blogs or write any blogs this week. Weird.

I could go on. So many highs and lows but not many in-betweens. I'm feeling a bit directionless. Like the wind unbalanced me. Like I don't know where I'm headed. Like I need a grand plan that gives me butterflies in my stomach. I love the idea of going with the flow but it's not working for me at the moment. It's making me want to escape and run away. It's making me want to pack up and drive north. Or maybe just back to bed with my book.

Sigh.

Thank goodness for the weekend.

Thank goodness for knitting (thanks Dad xx)

How're you feeling?

Big love

xx