My nest.
Now that I've been less emotional for a week, I have found myself revisiting
that time and slowly going through all the issues that came up and trying to acknowledge them in a happier space.
One of the biggest issues for me at this stage in my life is babies. For the past ten years I have been pregnant or breastfeeding and now I am neither with no plans to do either ever again.
When Pepper weaned herself a few months ago it didn't really worry me, but for some reason her second birthday did. I no longer have a baby and wont again.
I always thought I would know when it was time to move on to the next stage in life. My four pregnancies (one miscarriage) resulted in three healthy, wonderful children. So why on earth am I struggling right now?
The practical truth is that I got really sick during my last pregnancy and don't think our family could cope at the moment with me spending months and months on the couch or over the toilet. Also the farm has really kicked up a notch over the past two years and managing it is more than a full time job for Bren.
But none of this matters because these feelings are in my heart and body not in my head. My biological clock has a strong grip on me at the moment.
Over the last week when I have questioned other women about these issues I have learnt that most women don't definitely know. I have been met with tears on more than one occasion and sadness in many.
Perhaps moving on to the next stage is confronting. The other day I was at a cafe with some friends when a group of girls came in and sat at another table. These girls are similar ages to us but they had all recently had babies, while we had all finished having ours. Until recently they would have sat with us, but not anymore or for a while. I will never sit at that table again.
Maybe I am scared of having to become who I want to be now I am grown up. When you are pregnant or breastfeeding people are interested in the belly or the baby. I could always stand behind, happy as my role as their Mum. Now I need to stand alone and it is a bit scary. Who on earth am I anymore?
I have no answers just lots of questions.
I do know though how blessed I am to have three amazing daughters and be in the incredibly fortunate position to be able to spend lots of time with them.
I adore my family and know that it is complete, my body clock is just taking a while to catch up.
Funny, this morning I was wondering about what photos to publish with this post when Bren came in with this nest the boys had found in a tree they cut down yesterday. This nest is such a perfect metaphor for a mother preparing and nurturing her babies. This nest is also a perfect symbol for my role in my family, as it is woven from bits and pieces found around our farm, my home. That clever bird dragged twigs, cable ties, bits of wire, blackberry, hawthorn, willow, hay band and anything else it found to make the best, cosiest nest for its chicks.