I am here

A few weeks ago I was scrolling through my old blog looking for a photo when I was struck by the incredible beauty of it all. I feel a bit embarrassed saying this but it’s part of the story, so I must. I don’t think I’ve looked back on my blog since I stopped. But this time I really did. I looked carefully at the pictures, I read the words, I smiled at the stories and I felt the love. It felt like such a rich record of 10 years of our lives. 10 years of creations, memories, frustrations, passions, thoughts and feelings.

Over the next few days I felt really melancholy. I kept thinking about my blog and how maybe it was one of the best things I’d ever done. Maybe it was one of the things in my life I was best at. Until I stopped and then I wasn’t. I hadn’t missed it for two years, but then I missed it so much it hurt. I felt overcome.

Everyone I spoke to at that time was convinced that I should start it up again. Just like that. Simple! But I knew that for me it was never going to be that easy.

The first issue was replacing my ancient laptop that was unreliable and had broken down often during the last project I was working on. It felt like such a big commitment. But eventually I decided to do it.

Once the new computer was delivered I thought a lot about the platform. I had had so many problems with blogger the last time around, and I knew there was no way I could ever go back. Which meant choosing a new platform and learning a new language. Once we agreed on Squarespace and bought foxslane.com.au I had to learn to navigate it. I quickly got the basics but everything else completely overwhelmed me. Templates and subscriptions and formatting oh my! Thank goodness Bren speaks computer and is so much more patient than I.

And then there's the content. I don’t know if I can take photos that I’m happy with anymore. With a couple of exceptions, the only photos I’ve taken over the past few years have been on my phone and not at all blog worthy. I’ll need to get back in the habit of carrying my camera around and capturing the details.

And tbh I don’t know if my often peri-menapausal brain will allow me to express myself in words and paragraphs the way I used to.

I don’t know how comfortable or how safe I feel putting myself out there in this social media landscape that is so often so critical and toxic.

I don’t know if there’s a way to allow and encourage reader comments, and to create and foster a community, while at the same time protecting myself from criticism and negativity. I wish there was a way to attract readers with similar beliefs and values to mine while encouraging everyone else to click on by. I know that’s unrealistic but if only it wasn’t.

And I guess I’ll need to find a way to tell my own stories without models for my photos. Or perhaps the occasional model if I’m lucky. My little kids were always so willing to be photographed for my blog, I can’t imagine that my big kids will be all that keen. Hopefully farmer Bren will still humour me. He’s so good like that.

And then finally I guess I’ll have to work out what I want to actually blog about. Is it okay to write a purely personal/lifestyle/farm/craft blog these days? Is it okay to write about growing flowers and food, parenting bigger kids, keeping goats and sheep and dogs and cats, the books I’m reading, the things I’m knitting, the podcasts I’m listening to, other stuff I’m thinking about? Nothing too complicated or political. Does everyone have to have an opinion for everything right now? Or can I stick to what I feel comfortable with?

When I think about all the details it feels too hard and complicated. But Bren has set up the site, Jazzy sent me the pictures she took for the header and for this post, and all that’s left is for me to be brave enough to press publish.

Hopefully I’ll see you back here semi regularly. You can fill in your details up the top where it says subscribe if you’d like to be notified when I do.

Be kind to yourselves.

Lotsa love,

Kate x